Unfortunately, though, this isnt a Hollywood romantic comedy, and a husband without his own social circle can lead to some problems in real life marriages. WEve been married 18 yrs and this issue has only gotten harder. He calls me anti social when I am not. I want us to be happy. My husband hates socialising Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers some words of wisdom on whatever is troubling you By Psychologies I've been married for nearly 20 years and my husband and I have two young children. So I cant disagree with your assertion that having an antisocial spouse can lead to separation and divorce. We are, however, only a few years from retirement and a recent spell off work for me has highlighted what I fear may be a problem. Tell him you want him to be the way he was. 2023 Divorced Girl Smiling.All rights reserved. I didnt marry her friends, her family or any other person or thing. She would be at home relaxing in front of the tv. Yet, all I was asking was to have my person there. All Jackie is doing is presenting what is going on on the other side too. He feels like a stranger' In absence of love, the distance between spouses only grows. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a02d917f1b6d963cd96383a3fc6e0c53" );document.getElementById("c02ece8e79").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); How to Save a Marriage that is Falling Apart: 5 Tips, Why Mediation Works and Why Litigation Has So Many Pitfalls, Subscribe to Divorced Girl Smiling and download our free e-books. Even with family, at the beach or even Sea World. Ask if he would like to get his picture taken with you by a professional. How Do I Get My Husband To Understand My Feelings. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism and lives in Chicago with her two teenagers. And I also found my "father voice," the voice of discipline and reason in the family. It puts a cloud over the whole evening. He just doesn't want to go to couples' counseling. Your email address will not be published. Somehow. We started to socialize with people more like us (middle aged with small kids), in smaller groups where we could talk more, no drunken dance parties. I spent hundreds at Kroger and she acts like a 2 year old when she wants to go eat out. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don't listen to her, not the other way around. They are afraid of being afraid. My name is Julie also. If you have a positive gut reaction to the concept of a husband with multiple children AND multiple active hobbies, what is your reaction to the reality of a man spending an entire Sunday in the garage? document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Good article. We'll use this answer, along with your previous ones, to immediately direct you to some free marriage counseling videos for your specific situation. We dont hate you we still love you and wanted to have this with you. This wont be a quick fix, but if your husbands lack of friends is a problem for your marriage, you can both take steps to address the root cause of the issues, address the importance of social relationships and individual identity, and make gradual progress on developing the friendships that will give him new identity and a social life all his own! No it isnt. Dont go out with her and then resent her and be mean. It's important to accept that you can't change your spouse. And I had no way of knowing that. Its something each and every one of us has to deal with. But he simply won't go. Being able to talk openly and honestly with one another builds a foundation of trust, and sets expectations well before conflicting views or ideas lead to fights. Your email address will not be published. I dont need to be around people all the time to be happy. 4. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Show him that you are cool and with-it. Not only did she ask me to socialize less, but I got to go camping with my wife, AND she (albeit barely) started to understand that (gasp) its normal for some people to not like various activities. 1. 2.You dislike interference from others in your life. 5 Reasons Your Husband Doesn't Listen To You. Its impossible to save money with her. If she wants to spend time with anyone but you get rid of them. Photograph: Troels Graugaard/Getty Images. Jealousy and control are often masks for insecurity, and it may be the very same insecurity that keeps a husband like Joe from making friends, or even feeling confident enough to connect with strangers at all. Help him find a group he likes and encourage him to keep going, to interact with people, to be open to the idea of forming friendships. I have not mention this to him because I really want to take this opportunity to improve a little, but at the same time I dont think its fair, and I dont think being introverted is a flaw or something to be fixed. Coupled with a spouse with no friends to speak of, this can be a glimpse at the real roots of both issues. He thinks and hopes there is a God, but doesn't desire a real relationship with Jesus. Couples' counseling is off the table. I have an aunt that divorced her husband of 15 years because he refused to be social and would not take her dancing on weekends. I have a spouse who loves to watch TV. 10. Your husband doesn't want a partner, he wants a microwavesomething to heat up his dinner. Because you are not giving me signs that you care. That is just their perception. Depending on the nature of the problems, and especially if severe anxiety is a driving force, its a good idea to seek the help of a professional counselor. My husband doesn't like to go out as much, doesn't enjoy meeting new people, doesn't need a social life to be fulfilled. Someone above mentioned how they felt introversion is not something that can be fixed, and I agree. That means I might spend an entire evening eating somewhere I dont want to eat or going somewhere I dont want to go or hearing a bunch of profanity or political talk I dont agree with. We share very few friends and almost never go out with other couples or invite them to our house. It is a fundamental part of who we are. Everyone else comes second. Marriage destroys male social lives, thanks to both male and female expectations. Or it may be for more sinister reasons, such as . Literally. If women want to help, they MUST allow one of the above to suffer. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. If not, you have another set of decisions to make. Men should be successful, so we earn as much as possible. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH. For Hope, the reckoning that her spouse didn't feel the same way about her anymore came from the fact that she felt like she didn't know him anymore. Men are visually stimulated, and they enjoy looking at attractive women. Personally, I was always willing to accommodate my wife and go out to parties with her. Passion in the bedroom isn't everything in a relationship, but it can explain a lot. The last few trips I've made alone, simply making excuses for my husband. When your spouse is holding onto the belief that everything will work itself out naturally, you may have a difficult time getting them to participate in the discussion. Trust me, there is nothing wrong in being alone sometimes. Meanwhile, without me there, shed party longer and harder with her friends, and have much more fun. Wed like you not to nag us, because you sure didnt do that when we were dating. My husband and I have a happy family with children and grandchildren, and we share several interests. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Aug. 17, 2018. It is not wrong to want to go out two nights a week. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA . DONT let me stop caring.. Phil and Kimberley rightly feel like they didnt get acceptance from their ex. We've occasionally joked about it; what we'd . I think your wife was wrong for that. In other words, Im a good person! Instead of accusing your spouse of having no friends, ask them questions about why they choose to isolate themselves, talk about the importance of your own social relationships, and eventually (maybe not the first time you talk about it), try to uncover some of the insecurities or fears that are holding them back. Remember, both people should be givers in the relationship. Sign up for the Divorced Girl Smiling newsletter to receive weekly articles that might help you during and after your divorce! Similarly Id probably have more fun out my myself, but I also know theyre not compatible with a happy marriage. I completely agree Phil. y husband and I have a happy family with children and grandchildren, and we share several interests. You see, that is the crux. 7. First, to the antisocial spouse (or person whose wife is saying "My husband has no friends or hobbies,") you might not think this is a big problem. I want to have fun together without the kids. Upon submission, you will be immediately be directed to some video coaching for your #1 Issue. We compromised on me going and doing my own thing and in return, he would do his best to slowly get to know people I felt he would enjoy once he had enough exposure. Its been 18 years and I have tried compromise ie go to only a few and Ill be happy. 14. Better to know now. Steer him in the right direction if he is unable to keep up. We stand by to help or at least we want to help. Many personality types are much better at being flexible in the current moment but not great at planning for the long term. We all stress about it The problem is MONEY. I do realize that it isnt this simple, and that people who are antisocial might be uncomfortable, and might feel awkward and hence start getting anxiety if they know they are going out to a social event. My husband, on the other hand, is more likely to check his CNN feed than his Facebook feed, and thinks that tweeting is what birds do. Dont forget to have empathy for your spouse, and remember that the person isnt behaving this way to hurt you. Men should be sexy, so we need to work out. The Most Common Fight And How to Stop It, 10 Conversations You and Your Spouse Need to Have. Interacting with me. Where Should We Send Your Free Marriage Coaching? Then I catch hell from everyone for not liking them. 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